Friday, May 5, 2017

I miss her so...









Hi my lovelies. I waved off Emmy Bo to school camp on Monday morning, after a night of sleeping spoon as she had anxieties of going away... But she was fine once we arrived to the meeting point that morning. She stepped on the bus and waved goodbye through the dark bus windows with a great, excited smile on her face. Me on the other hand, returned home feeling all empty.

That same morning Jay kissed me goodbye just before 6 am, taking off to London to work for a few days. I was now solo with just two, rather big and independent kids, and it felt... weird. There are times when I long for time on my own, time to be undisturbed and able to do whatever I want to do. But then when Emmy Bo left and even Jay disappears out of the picture for a while, I suddenly found myself totally lost. It was like my framework fell apart, my daily routines and schedule went out the window and my auto-Mum-and-wife-pilot lost her GPS signal... No network. I couldn't navigate anymore.

I had so many plans for these days of "almost" being alone at home. I thought I could organize and sort all the folders and archives in the office, continue to move things over from the old computer to the new computer. Tune up my CV again and get into job search mode. Be home productive and get on top of things that has fallen behind... But the long list of things I wanted to do and accomplish remained untouched. Instead I ended up taking long walks in the rain, in the woods, listening to podcasts and thinking about... me. My goals, my purpose, my wishes, my needs, my family, my daily life, my professional self, my future... And maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed to just stop the engine of constant "doing" and just reflect for a bit.

Slowly I have arrived to a point in life where change is banging on the door. I'm growing older. My kids are growing older. My blog is growing older. My needs are changing. My kids needs are changing. The need of blogging is changing. My auto pilot button as a Mum is being released and it is time to take over the wheel and set my own destination. Figure out how to get there... And I will get there. It will just take some hard work. Practice. Time. Adjustment. Tears. and some bravery facing some fears... Change is never easy but it makes you grow and as much as I am afraid of what my "new" purpose in life will be, I am excited to start a new journey.

This week I have read The Secret Of Happy Ever After by Lucy Dillon, I have had an endless amount of tea and crocheted a whole bunch of granny squares. Just because they always ALWAYS make me happy. I have cooked and done chores, gone grocery shopping and paid bills. And snuggled up under a blanket watching  "13 Reasons Why"  in just 5 days, feeling enlightened by this rather strong and controversial series (I highly recommend it but don't forget to also watch Beyond 13 Reasons Why where cast, producers and psychologists get together to explain the idea behind the show and what message they want to give with it...) I didn't get things done as I wanted, but I got other things done. And its been good.

She is coming home this afternoon, my little Emmy Bo. I can't wait. I think I've missed her more than she has missed me. She is normally my doudou when Jay is gone, filling up his side of the bed and wrapping her feet around my legs. But this week his side has been all empty and I have held Crystal (Emmy Bo's super soft racoon doudou which is her emergency extra if PingPing the big eyes pinguin is in the wash kind of...) tight when going to bed. I should add that Emmy Bo left Crystal with me, with the words to hold her tight so we magically, through doudou snuggles, could be together in our dreams. Because that is how it works in Emmy Bo's life. So I did. And it worked, even for me. :)



Kärlek
Annette


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14 comments :

  1. Change is hard, and scary. Almost an empty nest here, the changes have been hard, but I keep faith I'll come out the other side okay. I know you enjoy them now so that will help later.x

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  2. Arh bless you. I'm glad you got through your week and found peace. Sometimes we hope for the things we want but get the things we need. Blessings. Cathy x

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    1. So true. Thanks for popping in today. :)
      Xx

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  3. I love your blog posts. You say exactly how you feel. Sometimes how we all feel. It's refreshing. ❤️

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    1. Thank you! That is a fabulous compliment. Hit right home in my heart. Good to know I'm not alone. :)
      Xx

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  4. Yes, the first signs of an empty nest are terrible, but you learn to let them go. It take time, for them as well for for you. It goes slowly, but always to fast. I trust you cope with that. We as carefull mums , we all do.
    Have a nice weekend , x Manon

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  5. Oh I felt your bon voyage to your daughter in the pit of your stomach... I think being left in the house is the worst end of the deal, soon it should be your time, to head off on a weekend, your time, somewhere to charge the batteries. A retreat, a culture dose, a fun weekend with friends... Sounds good doesn't it? Big hugs to you. Mel x

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  6. It's hard to watch them growing up and to find a new normal isn't it. I'm glad your little one will be back soon, and I hope you have a lovely weekend all together. You have my very best wishes for the future and wherever it takes you. CJ xx

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  7. We can only miss because we have. When my daughter is away the house is empty, not still half full. Others live in an always empty house. So you might choose to feel fortunate. Of course it doesn't stop all presences being very missed I know. I wish you and your daughter a happy homecoming. I bet she had a wonderful time but will be more than pleased to be back home. I am sure she missed you too.

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  8. Just gone through exactly same as you, and you describe how I felt perfectly, much better than I tried an my blog.https://fortiesatheart.wordpress.com/2017/05/03/my-little-girl/

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  9. Reading you it feels so me! I always want a time just for myself, but when I have this time, I almost panic and I get lost and affraid. And then I make a list of things to do, but I end up doing other things.
    One thing that helps me a lot is meditation - when I praticse for some days, my life changes so much (inside). And it doesn't matter how the things are, or who is with me (even alone), I feel so full inside! (actually, I don't know why I stop meditation,I should do in a daily basis).
    Love to read you.
    Xx
    Claudia

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  10. Jag har haft min son hos mig varannan vecka sen han var tre. Nu är han 18 och vill fortfarande vara varannan vecka. Inte missa nåt hos någon. Det tog lång tid att vänja sig vid att inte träffa honom på 6 dagar. Fortfarande blir det jättetomt när han åker, trots att han knappt är hemma när han "ska vara hemma". Och trots att han varit iväg på så mycket cuper och resor med sina idrotter.
    Tur lillasyster på 7 år håller sig hemma lite till!
    Ha en fin dag!

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  11. I totally get how you are feeling! Mine are 7 and 4 and I am just trying to cherish every moment. My husband is not they affectionate type at all and my two little daughters just shower me with hugs and kisses and snuggles and I get really sad thinking about them growing up. I think we all have these moments of feeling "lost" when we ponder the future. But, I think eventually, we will all get back to our "selves", or an even better version of who we were before our previous children blessed our lives. Your stories about Emmy Bo are just so sweet. :)

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Thank you so much for visiting my world. I love reading your comments and I do my utterly best to respond to questions and sweet messages. Thank you again for popping by.

Kärlek
Annette

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